My friend Katie came over towards the end of my pregnancy to have little heart to heart about all things baby. I knew that she would give it to me straight, no sugar coating, so I was anxious to hear what she had to say. I wanted to absorb every ounce of her precious parenting wisdom.

I was sure that her insight would provide me with the edge I needed to be a fantastically put together new mom. But, when we started to talk about nursing, I began to lose faith. And, by the end of our conversation, I hoped that she was wrong about nursing altogether. But, after my daughter was born, I found out that she wasn’t. Not at all.

Of course, there are women out there who are nursing ninjas. From day one, their nipples are up to the task of tirelessly feeding a newborn. But, to the rest of us, I say be prepared! If you don’t end up one of the lucky few, you will at least know what you are facing.

Here is what she had to say.

1. Nursing is painful, at least in the beginning and by the beginning I mean 2 months.  You may have bloody, scabby, and sore nipples. I spent the first month of my nursing career crying during every feeding. The good news is this stage doesn’t last!

2. Nursing does not come naturally, at least not to most people. The position of the baby, where you will sit,  and how long it will take are all things that you will have to figure out as you go. It will be frustrating and it will be tiring. The good news is that you will figure it out and then nursing will be a breeze.

3. Nursing gets old. This happens faster for some people than others. The last thing in the world you are going to want to do some days is breastfeed your baby. The best thing to do in this situation is to just push through it. Repeat after me, “This too will pass.”

What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was how important the nursing experience would be for both my daughter and I. Nursing helped me overcome the overwhelming feelings of regret and sorrow I experienced after my failed attempt at a natural, vaginal birth. Nursing was the only thing that would stop my daughter’s continuous and hysterical crying during the first three months of her life. Breastfeeding was the only time that either of us had any peace.

Brutal honesty prepared me for the challenges that I faced as a new nursing mom. Without Katie’s warnings, I probably wouldn’t have made it past week one. Because of her wise words, I made it past a year. Katie made it past two. Both of us are glad we did it. 

I heard a thud before the crying began. Adrenaline immediately starting pumping through my veins. I looked in my rear-view mirror desperately trying to figure out what was going on. I nearly drove my car into a ditch when I saw it – an empty car seat where my daughter should have been sitting! It took me a few seconds to figure out what had happened. I knew that my six month old didn’t have the strength to unclip the harness herself. It had to be me. It was my fault. I had forgotten to strap her in!

The light in front of me turned green and I was forced to start driving again. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to safely rescue my daughter and put her in back in her car seat without putting us both in risk of getting hit by another car in the process. We were in the middle lane. Amelia’s face was soaked with tears. She was fighting for her life the only way she knew how – by crying hysterically. It was loud and heartbreaking. Every moment I was stuck in that car and unable to help her, made my heart beat even faster.  I scanned the road for the nearest opportunity to pull over. The YMCA was on my right and not even a block down the road. Resisting the urge to floor it all the way there, I carefully accelerated and gently turned into the parking lot. My eyes constantly jumping from my rear-view mirror to the road. She was still back there, terrified, but seemingly unharmed.

I put the car in park and unbuckled my seat belt at the same time. Panicked and hurried I flung the driver’s side door open and stumbled to the back of my Rav4. I quickly, but carefully, opened the back hatch. As soon as I laid eyes on her, I scooped her up and into my arms. I kissed her all over before gently inspecting her for any injuries. She seemed scared, but okay. I couldn’t find any cuts or bruises. I breathed a sigh of relief. Not knowing what else to do, I climbed into the front seat of my car and began nursing her. Within a few minutes her breathing had slowed and her tense body relaxed. I tried to do the same.

I had a hard time forgiving myself. It took months. But, eventually I forgave myself for making such a terrible and potentially fatal parenting mistake. And, when I tried to find any good in what had happened I was surprised by what I found.

I had a hard time forgiving myself. It took months. But, eventually I forgave myself for making such a terrible and potentially fatal parenting mistake. And, when I tried to find any good in what had happened I was surprised by what I found.

I realized that mindfulness is an important parenting skill. It is even more important than patience or compassion. I learned that without it, otherwise well-meaning and cautious parents can make deadly mistakes. It is not just uncaring people who let bad things happen to their babies – it’s people who are tired or frustrated or just not paying attention. You can do it without even meaning to.

Whether we are at the pool or the mall, I know that I am a more mindful parent than I would have been had this experience never happened to me. Whenever I begin to feel guilty about the parenting mistake I made that day, I remind myself that the lesson I learned from it could have saved my daughter’s life by now – and for that, I am eternally grateful.