After having my daughter, I joined a few parenting groups on Facebook. Mostly they were awesome and super supportive but every once in a while I would come across a post that would, in all honesty, kind of ruin my day.

These day-ruining posts were almost always about mommy hot topics like circumcision and breastfeeding. But the first one I ever came across was about vaccines – and it made me see red.

The woman who posted it was asking for opinions on vaccines in general – like whether they are safe or not or if they really do cause autism. I clicked on the “comments” tab under the initial post and began scrolling down and reading the responses. There were nearly 50 by the time I saw the post and almost all of them were anti-vaccination (and some of them weren’t so nice). Wanting to throw in my two cents as a pro vaccination mom, I typed up my own (not-so-nice) comment and hit “enter”.

Within minutes of hitting that enter button I had at least half a dozen responses. Most of them were pretty hostile (not that I could point fingers) and just helped fuel my fire. I am embarrassed to admit that I got into a bit of a Facebook fight over the issue. By the time it was all said and done, I felt pretty crappy. Was I really sure that vaccinating my daughter was the right thing to do? And worse still, was it safe?

After having a small nervous breakdown (no really) I started doing some massive research. I read articles from both sides of the argument – new and old. I talked to two pediatricians as well as my OBGYN. I did everything I could do, within reason, to prove to myself that I was, in fact, doing the right thing. But, when it came right down to it, there was no clear cut answer. No one could tell me that vaccines were 100 percent safe to administer, nor could they tell me that it would be 100 percent safe to opt out of them. So, in the end, I was faced with making my own decision based on what information I did have. And, eventually I did make a decision, but that wasn’t the real take away here.

The real take away was this, regardless of where I fell on the vaccine decision, I had been doing the right thing all along. I was questioning my parenting choices.

Whether I decided to vaccinate my daughter or not, I had already sort of won. Questioning my choices was what was making me a good parent. Not the fact that I decided to go one way or the other. I walked away from that experience having a much better understanding of the type of parent I wanted to be. I knew I couldn’t be right all the time, I just wanted to be open to being wrong and this was a good first step. At the end of my parenting days, I want to be able to look back at the decisions I have made and say that I gave it my best shot – and really mean it.

Being a stay at home mom doesn’t always mean staying at home. Between story times, play dates and parks there is never a shortage of activities. And, if you are lucky enough (or unlucky, depending on your fondness for humidity) to live in the sub tropics like me, there are literally dozens of beaches, pools and spray pads to choose from. If you aren’t a home body, but are a stay at home mom, you’re covered.

That is how I spent the first year of my daughter’s life. Happily frolicking from one play date to another, stopping at home for a nap before heading out to meet at the children’s museum or the beach. I thought I was doing myself and my daughter a favor. We were never bored and she was always tired by nap time. Seemed like a win-win.

But by the time my daughter was 18 months old, I was pretty unhappy. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the why, but I knew that something had to change. So I decided to try to focus inward for a bit. I started turning down invites to play dates and mommy meet-ups and started spending a lot more time at home.

In the beginning, both my daughter and I were sort of at a loss for what to do with ourselves. We were so accustomed to being entertained that we never really learned how to entertain ourselves (or each other) at the house. For the first week, my daughter spent half of the day by the front door asking to leave or at my feet begging for me to play with her.

By the second week, however,  things were really starting to look up. Amelia, adapting much more quickly than me, began playing all sorts of amazingly imaginative games – all by herself for hours on end! Not sure what role I was to play in all of this, I would often try to join in her world. At first, she accepted me, but after a while it was clear that she would rather play by herself. So I left her to her fun and sought out my own. And, you know what? I eventually found it – and it didn’t even involve wine (or donuts).

Not even a month after I starting turning down play dates, my mood had really improved. I didn’t realize that my social commitments were actually kinda wearing me down — I was burnt out and didn’t even know it.

My daughter and I still go to play dates and beaches and parks, but we do it a lot less often. At home we cook and clean and craft together. We dance and listen to music. I show her how plants grow and she has really taken to feeding the dog every morning. It was an old hat for me, but magical for her. This was important stuff.

I used to believe that all of the play dates and themed events were our salvation. But, they were just a distraction. Now that I’ve I started turning down play dates, I’ve gotten to the really good stuff. The stuff that good parenting (and life) is made of and that I almost missed. 

Let me start by saying that I have spent nearly two years of my life as a stay at home mom. It has been terrible, it’s been utopian, and everything in between. I would not trade a single moment of these last two years for all of the money or good looks in the world. I was lucky to be able to stay home with my daughter and smart enough to know it.

That being said, I think there comes a time when stay at home moms start asking themselves the same question, “When (or should) I go back to work?”. When I started asking myself this very question (and daydreaming about staff meetings) I knew I had some real serious thinking to do and here is what I came up with:

1. I want my life back. I sacrificed my job, most of my friends and at least part of my sanity to stay home and raise my daughter. And even though it has totally been worth it, I want a piece of that back. My daughter will still be the most important part of my life, I wouldn’t want it any other way. She just wont be my entire life.
2. I need a break and I need a change. Staying at home with a toddler is a lot of work and it is often tedious. I am ready to trade in some of my mommy work for time out of the house – and I want to spend that time working on my career.
3. I want my Fridays back. When your week and weekend look the same, time sort of loses it’s meaning. Days lose their value. Monday might as well be Friday. That type of lifestyle doesn’t work in the long run (at least not for me). I want to dread my Mondays again.
4. I am bored. I don’t look forward to or value the picnics and play dates like I should. They are all too common. The great thing about down time is that all of your time is not spent that way. When all of your time is spent on recreational activities (even if simultaneously spent chasing a toddler) you are bound to get a bit bored.
5. All my friends are moms. So that means that I have lost complete perspective on the outside, non-kid world. Losing perspective is never a good thing.
6. Most importantly, I want to be a good role model for my daughter. But, also most importantly, I want to be there for her. In every way.

I guess the take-away from all my self-reflection and inner turmoil is really pretty simple. There is no easy answer. You can’t have it both ways, a career and all day with your children. Unfortunately, the world just doesn’t work that way. So, for now, I have chosen diapers over lunch meetings and play-dough over accolades. And even though there is a small voice inside my head still begging me to go back to work, it is going to have to wait. For now, I’m going to focus on my family and those dreamy staff meetings will have to wait.